[EDITOR’S NOTE: This is the first in a series of interviews with people who have gone through tremendous spiritual change while in the prison system. We hope these stories will be powerful and inspiring in two ways: First, as a voice - however small - opposing the popular attitude that criminals will never change, and should be locked up forever; second, as a reminder of hope and encouragement to all of us who wonder whether our own transformation is possible. Josh Lozoff interviewed Rick, as he explains below:
[from Josh:] Rick Smith has served 21 years on a life-without-parole sentence in Alabama. During that time, he has gradually transformed from a self-centered, violent young killer, to a true elder in his prison community; one who has helped thousands of other cons get their lives together. Rick helps run a therapeutic community unit at Donaldson prison, leading classes on men’s issues, psychology and spiritual growth. The prison authorities denied my request to interview Rick in person with a tape recorder, so he and I corresponded by mail over the course of several months. I have been personally very inspired by our exchange. Rick’s story is a wonderful and powerful reminder that true change is possible.
Rick, what kind of guy were you when you went to prison? What were your values?
I don’t think I really had any values by the time I got locked up. Human life meant nothing to me, I was so hurt and angry about the way my life had turned out. Life just sucked... big time! The only thing important to me was getting high so that I could escape the pain. I was very, very immature, filled with self-pity. I partied a lot to take away the pain.
Did you think about your future?
Yes, although it was bizarre really, it seemed I was waiting for Santa Claus to come. I expected that someone would recognize my greatness and get me out of the mess I had made of my life, and then life would be happy ever after.
And then?
When Santa Claus didn’t come I became dangerous. In my memory today, it’s like I was two people. I could be kind and gentle to my family, and then walk out the door and kill. One night while sitting at the table stoned and drunk, I told my girlfriend “I need help.” She said “What kind of help do you need,” and I said “I don’t know, but I need help bad.”
Can we talk a little about your crime?
Well, a few days later on the coldest day of the year, I found myself sitting in my car lashing out at God. I was in a RAGE! It was like I was trying to blackmail God. I was so sick. I was sober and I could feel the full impact of all my pain. I can remember threatening God with killing someone – who, it didn’t matter. I said to God, “You made me who and what I am, You can change me. You’re God.” Then I felt God telling me to go home, everything would be alright.
But instead of going home, I noticed a shoe store and went in. A lady came from the back and asked me what she could do for me. I told her to give me all her money, and she did. I told her to empty the cash register, and she did. Then I told her to lie down on the floor, and she did. But that didn’t seem to suit me so I told her to get up and go in the back of the store. As she passed by me, I stabbed her with my knife, and I continued to stab her until she was dead. This period of time seemed surreal. It was as if time slowed down. When I came to, I was standing over her and I’m tripping out about the violence I’ve done in a matter of seconds. And then I go out the door, walk to the car and sit there stunned.
Two days later I was arrested for capital murder and placed in jail with no bond. I sat in jail looking back at the horror of what I had done. I was so overwhelmed with guilt and shame. So much so that it didn’t even occur to me that anyone in my family would come to jail to visit me. After all I am a “monster.” When I was informed that I had visitors, I was shocked. I had not bathed and I looked exactly how I felt on the inside. My family looked at me and regarded me as the victim of the local authorities arresting anyone they could just to pin the murder on. To them, the man they knew could not have done such a thing.
Throughout the whole process, they showed immense courage. Even 21 years later, my heart breaks when I think of the negative effect I had on their lives. The ripple effect I had on so many lives in the community reaches deep in my heart today and keeps me sober, clean, nonviolent and very changed.
What was your reaction when you heard your sentence?
I was probably relieved, as strange as it sounds. And also numb. I couldn’t grasp a life-without-parole sentence, it just doesn’t sound real. I knew I had a shot of dope ready for me when I got back to my cell. The dope would help me get through it. It messed my family up, they were almost hysterical - you’d have thought I was sentenced to die. I guess they knew more about what life without parole meant than I did.
Do you relate to the term “transformation?” Do you feel you’ve had one? More than one?
Yes, I feel I’ve had one, I also feel it is a lifelong process.
How did yours begin?
In 1983, I tried to escape from Holman, which landed me in lock-up. There I hit my all time low. Believe me, it let all the air out of me to not get away from prison. My heart ached... I can remember saying to myself “there has got to be a better way” and a voice that was definitely not mine answering, Yes. Are you ready?
But then I forgot about it for awhile. Months later in lock up, I wanted to kill this other guy bad! I had a job in lock-up which put me in the hall each night. One night I went to the cell of a man who was known for his ability to make and keep knives in prison. I told him to give me a knife. But a true friend of mine two cells down yelled to the guy not to give it to me, that he would kick his ass. So the man didn’t give me the knife, and I left fuming and angry. The next morning, before I had a chance to do anything more about it, I transferred out of that prison.
Looking back, you now see God’s grace in the voice you heard in lock-up, and being transferred before you could kill that dude. But when and how did you start becoming aware of a process of deep transformation?
Well, arriving in lock-up in this prison, I met a prison legend. He became my first teacher and role model. He’d just arrived here himself from the federal system, where he’d learned yoga and meditation. His name was Buddy. He wrote out Hatha yoga postures and explained breathing techniques to me.
The postures were difficult to me, but Buddy had a simple way of explaining things and I trusted him. He got at my life habits, from smoking to the amount of sweets in my diet to being overweight. He filled out my store orders and wouldn’t let me order so much sugar products. I hated him for the “change” I would have to make.
Do you feel, just by meeting Buddy, this “change” sort of happened to you, or were there some hard choices you had to make along the way?
Well, even though changes were occurring in my life –meditation and yoga were making a big difference – I was depressed and was at a point of wanting to cash it all in. I didn’t think I would get out of lock-up anytime soon. I was burnt out. I had spent over 3 years locked down since I was arrested.
Finally I got on the phone and told my mother that the big Segregation Board would meet in May around the 17th, and that if they didn’t let me out of Seg I was going to take out whoever was standing in front of my cell when the door opened. Mother did something I wouldn’t know about for many years. She called the warden, and begged him to give me a chance in population.
Well the board met, including the commissioner who’d told me that as long as he was in charge, I’d never be in population again! And the warden went against all the Montgomery officials and the commissioner. The board let the warden have his way, and Buddy and I both were released to population the next day. I had only served 9 months for escape. It was a miracle!
The first day I was in population I ran one mile. The area where they moved us was so “wide open” that it was like going free. I didn’t sleep for about 3 days. Buddy and I had an effect on the area. No one had ever seen yoga before – it was so exotic. Men are very afraid of yoga, and the postures you perform in yoga are not the kind of physical poses you want to do in full view of prisoners – such as a posture with your butt in the air?!
Even though Buddy taught me yoga, when we went to population, he gradually returned to the behavior that made him a legend as a kingpin and a dope trafficker.
That’s what I mean by “choices.” You say that Buddy returned to his old behavior. But it seems you continued this process of spiritual transformation. Did you just have a hunch that you were on to something better than your old way of life?
The reason I stayed with the meditation, yoga, and running is the simple fact that I could feel a shift occurring. I didn’t really know how to express it then, but I just knew that being disciplined felt good to me. Good habits take over and the negativity slips away – you starve it to death.
How did your pals react to the changes you were making? Did you have people you could share your thoughts with?
About a month after I got out of lock-up I met a man who helped me through so many stages of transformation. His name was Micheal Nicastro [now Arjun Nicastro, Program Director of Human Kindness Foundation] and we seemed to like each other right from the start. He’d also just gotten out of lock-up. We both liked to smoke pot and he became my workout partner.
Was meeting another spiritual seeker like Arjun a coincidence, or were you consciously looking to associate with a different type of person than you would have several years earlier?
Meeting Arjun was not a coincidence, it was a true miracle. I don’t think I was consciously looking for a friend to go deeper with. We met and it was like there was something “deeper” there for both of us. We were adventurous, curious, and there was an easygoing nature to our relationship – I think we made contact with “trust” for the first time. I trusted Arjun and I think he did the same. Oh, it was scary, but even our fears, we could laugh about. Men in here really have a hard time trusting each other. Even respect in here comes more out of fear than love.
In 1999, when my mom and dad (Bo and Sita) and Arjun’s wife, Janaki, got to step into the cell where you and Arjun spent seven long years opening up to each other, they were deeply moved by the history of that tiny, dark little cell. You both became real human beings in there. What are your personal spiritual practices now?
I use the time I have alone with myself for meditation and reflection. I practice “mindfulness” daily and I have found great benefit from it. In this prison they feed the masses breakfast between 3 & 4 am. I do not eat breakfast, I use that time to sleep. To me, the body’s meditation involves exercise. I do calisthenics and stretch and run.
At night I practice a discipline that is awesome in scope. It is called “Retrospect” and basically I reverse the day and as I go over my day mentally, I change the errors I made mentally and it clears the residue for me to head into the astral plane. Retrospect also makes me live differently during the day because I know I will be looking back at the day that night. I practice affirmations morning and night. I have a set of rosary beads that belonged to a real prayer warrior, a devout catholic nun. I use the beads to keep up with my affirmations in sets of 10. I also love to read inspirational literature – sacred scriptures and poetry, literature that makes me think about life.
What were the hardest tests of your transformation?
The hardest test for me has always been letting go of my “escape” agendas. When you have life without parole it’s almost automatic that you think about leaving prison. It’s just there in the background like a ghost.
A couple of years ago, I went through a real rough period and I was spending about 3 hours a day in meditation and God took me through a dialogue about my escape fantasies. God has to speak to me like a convict or I will miss him. He shared with me that with his ability to run a whole universe and it be “perfect,” did I really think he needed me to plot an escape? God pointed out that I need to totally “surrender” once and for all.
Another big thing for me several years ago was smoking pot - I didn’t see anything wrong with it until it finally hit me. It was getting so I could smoke pot and it would bring me down. I was surprised when after several months, I really wasn’t tempted with pot.
You’ve already talked some about the effect your crime had on your family. It must be even harder – scarier maybe – to think about your victim and her family. But I imagine dealing with that has been part of your journey as well.
It seems that guilt, shame and remorse is a process as well. When I first got locked up I couldn’t really feel for anyone, even myself. After I got into treatment and therapy, I had the opportunity to open up my heart center and feel the terrible anguish of the horror of my actions, and the pain and suffering I have caused to so many people. I’ve been in treatment now seventeen years, and I still have moments when my heart goes through this tremendous aching. It wasn’t until about 1996 that I came in contact with the massive amount of suffering to my victim’s family. I hadn’t been able to ingest the depth of my crimes to so many.
How do you process those feelings, now that you have a deeper perspective in which to examine them?
I lecture to the guys in this program every day. So I have the opportunity to use my crimes as a channel to show other men how to deal with their guilt and shame, how to accept working with remorse. The horror of my past is a tool for me to reach my peers. I use the pain of it all to probe, shock and bless others. I don’t want to forget my past and what I’ve done. It keeps me clean, sober, and very humble. I know that but for the grace of God and the thousands of human beings sent to help me through all this, I would be nothing. The process to human being has been a lengthy journey for me.
Do you feel you’re able to make the world better from inside?
Most certainly. The biggest service is example, especially with the young men in here. They need to see their elders with the right attitude. When men in here can see a fellow convict who is clean, sober, non-violent, and peaceful in his lifestyle, it gives them hope. Men in here will listen to you if you are not a hypocrite. You cannot speak about things if you are doing the things you speak against.
People in the free world do not seem to comprehend that almost all of these men will return to the streets one day. The real issues have to be looked at. I feel what I’m doing in here affects everything. Prisoners are just as important as any people on Earth. Since I can’t do things for others who suffer across this planet, I can contribute to the area I’m related to the most. I can also meditate and pray and raise awareness about the suffering going on across the planet as well as the planet itself. I can share with these men that it’s important to be related to the earth we live on and all people who live on it. There’s so much work to do.
Caring about people takes a lot of time, energy and devotion. The rewards are incredible though.
Is service work a conscious and important aspect of your path?
Service work to me is my path. Caring for others is a divine manifestation of our highest way of being related. To seek God and serve others is to have abundance. The fullness of a life devoted to others is bliss.
Oh, you have days that you get stressed out and you can burn out. That’s why it’s important to keep balance and know when to say “no” – my new job has to do with this. I’ve held many positions in this drug/alcohol treatment program. I was originally hired as a “clerk,” then I ended up a staff-aide, and then a program coordinator, then they changed that name to “mentor.” Now I’m Educational Coordinator. Whatever ?
How’s your relationship with the guards and other prison staff?
I get along with C.O.s who are down on the floor with us “roving” and in the cubicles and gun towers. Some supervisors I respect and get along with. I have a strong relationship with most officers because I’ve been here so long. As far as the higher authorities, I don’t have a lot of respect for them. We have yet to have a pro-treatment warden at this facility. We have graduations where they never come, we do not have their support. We are viewed as property and industry. But over the years I’ve had some great experiences with guards and other staff.
Back in 1985-86 I had an officer who used to give me the blues about crossing the hall to get to my partner’s cell. Years later I asked the officer why he was so hard on me. He said he knew I was only wanting to go to the other side of the block to get high. Since he knew I was trying to change, he wanted to help me the best way he knew how. By denying me passage, he also taught me self-control and tolerance. At the time, I wanted to blow a fuse, but I cannot see him today without grinning ?.
Once at a banquet, one of the psychologists at Holman Prison told the crowd that many years earlier, he hated me so bad because of my attitude and how sick I was, that he’d actually had thoughts about bringing in a gun and shooting me! Then he spoke about me in a positive light that left the audience blown away. I wasn’t even there. When I found out, I had no idea he felt that way.
I can remember officers in one block liking Arjun and me so well because of the Peace Advocacy they knew we promoted, that even when we did things wrong they seemed to cut us a lot of slack. One night after smoking dope, one officer came by and said, “Man, that smells pretty good, you need to get a hot rail before you get busted” and just grinned and walked away. We had a lot of experiences with officers that came out pretty cool because they could see that we were human beings. They treated us like humans. I’ve had officers come by during count and throw me snack cakes.
Have you been involved in, or witness to, the spiritual transformations of other guys?
Not many, but a few. I’ve seen some changes. But I’ve only seen a few go real deep and get serious about soul work. Most guys in here can do okay for awhile but then eventually the “script” kicks in and you are seeing the same guy you met to begin with.
Will you ever get released?
Yes, but when, only God knows.
How do you know? If you believed you were going to die in prison, would that change any of your spiritual perspectives?
Well, what I’ve discovered these past few years is that courage is indeed its own reward. I’m basically a coward; I have been all my life. The thing that offsets it is my recognition of that and my letting go. The life I lead today is all I know. I don’t have a life apart from “The Life” that God has shown me. I trust God today, so my future is no longer in doubt. There are different ways my life can go, but I feel whichever way I go, I will go with God.
Of course, I have a preference to get out of here because I’m human. However, every day when I awaken to the Great Mystery, I find out how truly blessed Life can be, including life sentences without paroles. There are beautiful, wonderful human beings suffering on this planet today, and they did not kill anyone. They are suffering, yet committed no crimes. Who am I to not accept what my life has come to?
Arjun and I were in our cell meditating one night and I was in need of affirmation, and suddenly it was like God sent all the “wildlife” in the area around Donaldson to be outside our window and sing to us for the length of time we were sitting. It was clear that God was telling us we were loved, not forgotten. God is constantly showing us His/Her face each and every day. You just have to put on a pair of God-glasses to see it.?
Most of what we
read in the news and hear on TV about ex-cons is negative, but I promise you life after
prison is not all about hard knocks. I have been out of prison for seven years and
finished parole two years ago. Each of these facts is cause for celebration and makes me
something of a success story.
